Monday, February 18, 2008

Knight Rider- Down the Shitter

Last night, about 10 minutes past 9 p.m., I got a phone call. Without looking at the caller ID screen, I knew who the caller was and the reason for the call. It was my friend E, telling me to watch the new Knight Rider. I think the overwhelming consensus among fans of the original show is that the new version sucks, big time. I just hope it does not get made into a TV series.

I have compiled a list of reasons why the new show sucks. Feel free to press play on the original show's intro below so that you can listen to the rad techno/electronica beat while you peruse the list.

10. KITT's voice. For a while, Will Arnett, a.k.a. GOB from Arrested Development, was cast as the voice of KITT. But apparently, Arnett had signed a non-compete clause when he did a GM ad a while back. So who do we get? Val Kilmer! I respect him as an actor, but he was dry, flat, and android-like, in a bad way.

9. The acting. David Hasselhoff was no great thespian in the original series. But yesterday's made-for-tv movie set a new low. As Chris Rock once quipped, "I've seen better acting in a Cambodian wh^&*house!"

8. No Bonnie! I don't know who this glorified Stanford T.A. is in the new show, but she is no Bonnie Barstow. Just look at that hair!

'Nuf said.

7. Product placement. That the show was entirely financed by the good people at Ford is pathetic. Though the use of the Mustang was controversial, it is forgivable given the demise of the GM F-body. But to have a POS Edge chasing (and keeping pace with) the Mustang at 120 mph in the "hills of the Bay Area" is just sad.

6. No Turbo Boost. The 'Stang is bulletproof, can morph colors and apparently grow after-market accessories. But no Turbo Boost?! Sacrilege.

5. Special effects. It looks like the special effects people took a two-week vacation and handed over the reins to a team of dumb chimpanzees. The special effects are awful.

4. The FBI special agents. That, my friends, is why we are losing the War On Terror(tm). Total incompetence.

Special Agent Fife

3. Plot lines. A new black Mustang is so going to blend in in Prague. Yeah, good luck with that.

2. The Hoff. His cameo was pathetic. Something tells me he got paid more for his four lines than the actor who played his son for the entire "movie".

1. Gratuitous sexual content. The FBI agent with the one-night stand. Mike in bed with two women. This is a family show. Cut that crap out.


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