Bring Back the Fender Mounted Side Mirrors!

In the 1970s, virtually every sporty Japanese car in the Japanese market had fender mounted side mirrors. Though they look odd to the contemporary round eye, hundreds of millions of people grew up accepting the fender as the default location of side mirrors.

The location forward of the A-pillar meant the mirrors had no blind spots whatsoever, an ergonomic gift to drivers in congested Asian highways and byways.

But anti-fender mounted mirror advocates had more reasons to protest. They were too far to see for the average driver with below average eyesight. They were difficult to adjust manually (Need to adjust your mirror? Bring a friend!). And finally, due to the laws of aerodynamics, some of these mirrors vibrated to the point of uselessness at highway speeds.

But all these arguments, albeit valid, cannot overcome the aesthetic je ne sais quoi quality of the fender mounted side mirrors. They just look so damn good!

CKY

Japanese Super Fantastic Smokeys Caravan

While you try to fight those droopy eyelids and wait for the flag to drop for the Turkey GP, take a gander at what the Japanese highway cops have been driving.






CKY

The Killer Bs

1982 through 1986 will always be fondly remembered by rally enthusiasts. The ephemeral existence of Group B brought a level of excitement the sport had never seen before, and will never see again. When lightweight materials and no technological (read: boost) restrictions mix, you get lethal (literally) road rockets. The following are my favorites Group B cars.

1. Ford RS200. As a teenager in the late 1980s, I bought a large coffee table book creatively entitled The World's Fastest Cars. In it was a white RS200. I had never seen it before. It was beautiful. When I read that a 650hp version reached 60 miles per hour from a standstill in 2.1 seconds, I knew this was special. To this day, this is one of my top five favorite cars. Ever.


2. Lancia Delta S4. For some reason, whenever I think of 80s rally racing, the Martini Racing Lancia Delta S4 immediately pops into my head. Meant to replace the 037, infra, the Delta S4 was advanced in many ways. But most curious of all was the fact that it had a supercharger for low rpms and a turbocharger for higher revs. It was on course to dominate the sport when a Delta S4 crash killed its driver and navigator. This tragedy led to the demise of Group B, as safety advocates, and sane people, finally realized these cars were too fast and too dangerous.


3. Audi Quattro S1. Audi revolutionized rally racing, and treacherous roads to ski resorts in North America and Europe, with the Quattro all wheel drive system. Audi perfected its Quattro racers by pluncking down the most powerful engine in rally racing history-- a 2133 cc turbocharged five banger capable of 600hp-- and by chopping its wheelbase by more than a foot. One of these nimble and quick cars even broke a Pikes Peak climb record.


4. Lancia 037. The 037 was like nothing else. Though it looked cool and menacing, it was slow and rear wheel drive. It was not cutting it and was replaced by the Delta S4.

5. Renault 5 Turbo. 1983's unofficial Bond flick, Never Say Never Again, featured a red hot Renault 5 Turbo. Its ridiculously wide track and powerful engine mid-ship made it look, sound, and move like a beast, even though it's only slightly larger than a Yugo.

For the sights and sounds of Group B racing, go to youtube. The Group B tribute, with Metallica playing in the background, rawks.

CKY

Lambo S8 v. Ferrari Quattroporte

With my promotion to mailroom boy, I get to look at other people's mail, including their junk mail. Imagine my surprise when I noticed that the local Maserati dealer is luring the well heeled into its showroom by offering a box of Omaha steaks in exchange for a test drive.

Though most upper income bracket work-a-holics are satiated with the torque-crazy AMG S-class and the hyper-complicated M5, nothing says exotic sports sedan like shoehorning a northern Italian engine into the bonnet. Thankfully, the world currently has two such sedans on sale.

1. Maserati Quattroporte. A detuned 4.2 liter V8 from the Ferrari F430 provides the driver with 400hp. And finally, in 2007, a smooth manu-matic transmission is available (the new tranny's arrival was mentioned in the junk mailer). But what sets this full-sized sedan apart from all others is the Pininfarina body. Mama mia, that's-a spicy meat-a-ball!




2. Audi S8. The S8 gets a detuned 5.2 liter V10 from the Gallardo. But the engine's soul got lost in the translation. Even though the big Audi is chock full of aluminum, it weighs just as much as, if not more than, its 7-series and S-class competitors. And with it looking virtually identical to run-of-the-mill A8s, this car just ain't happening. An example of the Lambo-Audi synergy, this is not.



CKY

1971 Super GT Comparo

During Concours week, I picked up a couple of compilation-style books on Lamborghinis that were put out by Brooklands. They included magazine articles about Lambos from 1965 through 1975. In a road test article about the 1971 Jarama, the specs page compared it to five other super, yet oft-forgotten, cars of that era.

1. Lamborghini Jarama. This was one of the first of a two decade-long line of forgettable Lambos. This has to be one of Bertone's worst designs. But according to Motor magazine, the 350hp V12 got it to go to 60 in 6.8 seconds and topped out at 168 miles per hour. No matter what the performance numbers, the dull styling relegated this model to the role of bench warmer.

2. Aston Martin DBS V8. That its most famous movie role was as George Lazenby's ride is emblematic of its obscure existence. Though the understated chaps at Newport Pagnell never disclosed the engine's specs, it was common knowledge that the 5.3 liter V8 was good for 350hp. But as the middle sibling between the classic DB6 and the more contemporary Vantage, the DBS is the equivalent of Jan Brady. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

3. Jensen FF. No, this is not the rusting Jensen Interceptor you saw last week in the Auto Trader. Years before the Audi Quattro climbed Pike's Peak, Jensen introduced the first all- wheel drive sports car with the FF. It was so advanced, it even had anti-lock brakes! Because the drivetrain was so complicated and unconventional, many pieces intruded into the left front seat. As such, no left hand drive FFs were ever made. Sorry, America.

4. AC Frua. Only 49 coupes were ever made. They were built on a stretched Cobra chassis. This Maserati Mistral look-a-like was expensive to build. The chassis was built in England. It was then shipped to Italy for the bodywork, then shipped back to England for the powertrain (which included the 428 c.i. engine) and trim. At a cost of 7600 British pounds, only the Lambo and the Jensen cost more.

5. Jaguar E-Type Series II 4.2. No early 70s GT comparo can be without the E-type. Enough has been written about this classic elsewhere. All that needs to be said is that in this comparo, it finished second to last in all the performance figures, just above the Franco-Italian SM.

6. Citroen SM. Ah, the SM. Faithful readers of this blog know that it is one of Tamerlane's favorites. He saw a beautiful, unrestored, rust-free specimen at a local Shell station recently. The "owner" just bought it in Orange County and was about to ship it overseas for a song. Pity, that.

Finally, I want to sum up my experience at Concorso Italiano last week. As spectators and participants left the grounds around 4pm, I was caught up in a traffic jam. In front of me, an Iso Grifo. To my right, a hulking black Lamborghini LM002. And behind me, a pedestrian Ferrari 308. It was heaven.

CKY

1970s Maserati Ugly Ducklings

In anticipation of the Concorso Italiano next Friday, I give you the ugly, oft-forgotten 1970s Maserati two-doors. I leave the aesthetic critiquing to my readers. I will just provide the facts:

Model: Merak
Meaning of model name: Star in Ursa Major
Years in production: 1974-1982
Layout: MR
Engine: 3.0 liter V6 (190hp)
Designer: Giurgiaro
No. of models expected at Concorso It.: 4

Model: Kyalami
Meaning of model name: South Africa's F1 circuit
Years in production: 1976-1983
Layout: FR
Engine: 4.2 liter V8 (255hp)
Designer: Carrozzeria Frua
No. of models expected at Concorso It.: 0

Model: Khamsin
Meaning of model name: Hot violent wind from Egyptian desert
Years in production: 1974-1980
Layout: FR
Engine: 4.9 liter V8 (320hp)
Designer: Bertone
No. of models expected at Concorso It.: 0

Model: Indy
Meaning of model name: Take a wild guess
Years in production: 1969-1974
Layout: FR
Engine: 4.2 liter V8 (260hp)
Designer: Vignale
No. of models expected at Concorso It.: 1

Model: Bora
Meaning of model name: Wind in the Adriatic
Years in production: 1971-1980
Layout: MR
Engine: 4.7 liter V8 (310hp)
Designer: Giugiaro
No. of models expected at Concorso It.: 6

CKY

Bitter Bitte!

As a child with undiagnosed OCD, I obsessed over my ability to identify every passenger car on the road. In that vein, I bought a Consumer Reports type guide which had a picture and description of every 1984 model year vehicle sold in America. One particular model was etched in my mind forever. It was the Bitter SC coupe.

Good Enough for A German Museum

Step Aside, 959...

Growing up, I thought: "Bitter? What a strange name." It turns out that it was named after a German ex-racer who decided to convert run-of-the-mill Opels into luxury sports cars. The SC was the most "successful" endeavor for Bitter. Between 1979 and 1989, a whopping 461 coupes, 22 convertibles, and 5 sedans were built. It borrowed the Open Senator's chassis and Opel/GM's 3 liter inline 6, capable of 177 horses. Bored out versions, at 3.9 liters of displacement which put out 207 hp, were also available. Many ended up State-side. Brand new, they cost $43,000 to $55,000. Exclusivity and eccentricity have their price, I guess.

Derivative Styling: Bitter SC or Ferrari 400/400i/412?

Guess Again: Bitter or Ferrari?

CKY

The Desecration of Mauna Kea

What is happening atop Mauna Kea is a tragedy and a slap in the face to the native Hawaiian people.

(Disclaimer: The author fully appreciates the irony and hypocrisy of taking a van tour atop Mauna Kea with a bunch of haoles and at the same time decrying the destruction and defilement of the mountain top.)

Recently, Tamerlane took a van tour to the top of Mauna Kea. I wanted to go there for a number of reasons, including:
-Test the altitude medication's efficacy before my long trek through the Andes (it worked but it made me piss like a race horse for many nights),
-Reach the top of the tallest mountain in the world (33,000 plus feet, measured from the sea floor up),
-Travel the dreaded Saddle Road (not as bad as I thought),
-See the observatories, and
-See the stars (I saw the Southern Cross for the first time in my life).
Though all of the reasons for my journey were fulfilled, the price was simply too high.

Mauna Kea (or White Mountain) is of tremendous spiritual importance to the Hawaiians. It is white because of the snow that often dusts the peak. It is the home of Poli'ahu, the snow goddess. This is contrasted by Mauna Loa (or Black Mountain), home of Poli'ahu's rival, Pele, the goddess of fire. The number of legends and heiaus (temples) on Mauna Kea speak to its importance.

So what have outsiders done to this sacred locale? They have installed 13 of the world's largest and most sophisticated optical, infared, radio, and submillimeter telescopes on its summit. The environmental degradation is obvious and tragic. Spills of ethylene glycol, diesel, and mercury are par for the course. It's akin to Dick Cheney going to Mecca and taking a massive dump on the Kaaba. I am an ardent supporter of science and thoroughly enjoy and appreciate astronomy. But choosing to plop all of these telescopes on Mauna Kea is the height of cultural insensivity.

But it's not just the nerdy scientists who are to blame. The tourists are doing just as much damage and defiling the mountaintop. When I was up there to see the sunset, there were at least a dozen 15-passenger vans filled with American and Japanese tourists. We all used one of two port-a-potties next to an observatory. They were overflowing with semi-frozen, foul, human waste. Pu'u Wekiu, a very small piece of land, is the highest peak and it is cordoned off and reserved for native Hawaiian ceremonies. But what did I see on my visit? A dozen Japanese 20 somethings ignoring the cordon and racing each other up and down the pu'u, screaming, laughing, and pushing each other. It was disrespectful and sad.

The piece de resistance of my field trip had to be the flame throwing hippy. On our way up, we were passed by four dreadlocked trust-a-farians in an old Isuzu Rodeo. Apparently, one of these no-shower-taking bums had the bright idea of doing a light show at sunset atop Mauna Kea by twirling a gasoline tipped baton. Though the sight was cool, it was a direct insult to Poli'ahu, whose arch-enemy is the FIRE goddess.

We've ravaged the islands enough. Kaho'olawe is uninhabitable due to naval bombardments. Niihau is a desert now. Waikiki is overfilled with hotel highrises. West Maui is more developed than Newport Beach. And,come September, a Superferry will be wreaking havoc from Kauai to the Big Island (and bugging the poor whales in the winter months with "special" whalewatching routes). Let's dismantle the observatories, clean up our mess, and leave the sacred mountain to the snow goddess and her people.

CKY

Big Island of Hawaii 5- Ono

Welcome back, loyal readers. Tamerlane spent a relaxing week on the Big Island and has lots to share. Today, I shall share with you my favorite eateries. Most are institutions, but there was a surprise or two. Without further ado, I give you my picks.

Chris' Bakery (Kealakekua)
Forget the malassada's at Tex Drive Inn. Chris' has the best. Every malassada is prepared to perfection. The moist part is moist. The crunchy part just crunchy enough. Never greasy. It's fluffy and firm, sweet and a bit savory. The sprinkles of sugar which adhere to the exterior of these buns are like magic fairy dust. Never mind that the doughnut holes are three days old or that the store ran out of milk on five out of the six consecutive mornings we were there. Just get the friggin' malassadas! With the elderly owner slowing down, the bakery will inevitably have to close its doors. So get them while they're warm, and still in existence. Because like a lot of things traditional, there will be no substitute once it's lost.


Manago Restaurant (Captain Cook)
Since time immemorial, the thrifty Big Island traveler has raved about the pork chops here. The food here is just like the adjoining hotel's rooms-- simple, inexpensive, but extraordinarily satisfying. Local pork is cooked in an antediluvian cast iron pan. With 1500 pounds of pork gobbled up every month and even a write-up in the New York Times, what more proof do you need? It's that good.


Verna's Drive Inn (Kea'au in Puna District)
When the late Verna Lehua Tsuruko Miller opened up her first of four Drive Inns, it was a simpler, and skinnier, time. When fast food restaurants served you a small soda, it was barely 8 ounces. Food portions, and waistlines, were much smaller. Bigger was not always necessarily better. The tradition continues. If you order a loco moco for about four bucks, you don't have to sign a Release of Liability Waiver in case of cardiac arrest on the restaurant's premises. You simply get a small bed of rice with one burger patty, one egg, and just enough savory gravy to cover (not drench) everything. It was not a lot of food; but it was enough. The Captain's Plate was impressive also. It contained a smorgasbord of deep fried seafood. But unlike other cheap-o dives where the ratio of breading to meat is always 8:1, the seafood is the star in Verna's Captain's Plate. None of the seafood is frozen and it actually has recognizable flavor! It's by far the most expensive entree on the menu, at almost 8 dollars, but well worth every penny.


Daniel Thiebaut (Waimea)
This establishment has been a foodie destination for almost a decade. In cowtown Waimea, where the paniolo tradition is being slowly eroded by mega-strip malls and astrophysics labs, there is a surprising number of upscale restaurants, e.g. Merriman's, Aioli's, Edelweiss, Waimea Ranch House. But Thiebaut reigns supreme. Its decor is tropical, relaxing, and yet chic. Its French-Asian fusion dinner entrees get all the hype, and deservedly so. But I recommend stopping in for brunch. For about $15 per person, you will enjoy what may be the best American-style brunch anywhere in the world. This is no Vegas buffet. All of the hot food items, except for the omelet bar, were laid out on a 10 foot long table. But it's quality, not quantity, that is the mantra here. The simplest items like bacon and steamed white rice are cooked to beyond perfection. A simple brunch here is an extraordinary, almost nirvanic, experience. With Al Gore being its most famous repeat customer, there is no question that the brunch shift will always turn a robust profit.


Royal Thai Cafe (Keauhou)
This was one of our best finds. Nestled in a shopping center with a movie theater and a drug store, one does not expect culinary excellence. But we were so blown away by the food, we went to dinner there two nights in a row. The yellow and red curries are extraordinary and authentic, especially given that the Big Island is thousands of miles away from the Thai metropoles of Bangkok and Los Angeles. The friendly and prompt service, coupled with the reasonable prices and neat decor, make this the perfect casual dinner spot for anyone renting a condo or couch surfing along the Kailua-Kona corridor.

CKY

Nostradomus Tamerlane

Tamerlane's ability to predict the future amazes even himself. First, he predicted that the TB-carrying jerk was an attorney. He was right.

A couple of weeks ago, Tamerlane was chatting about the wonderful world of competitive eating and predicted that San Jose's Joey Chestnut will break Kobayashi's hot dog record. Today, Chestnut broke the record by eating 59 1/2 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. Kudos to Chestnut for his impressive gastronomic abilities and Tamerlane for his awesome psychic abilities.


Since he is on a roll, Tamerlane will make six more predictions of things that will (or will not) happen in the coming year or two.

1. Cristina Kirchner will be the next Argentine president. Mrs. Kirchner will succeed her hubby Nestor as the next president.


2. Surge inconclusive. When Petraeus reports to Congress in September about the progress of the Surge, he will say that it is too early to say but that it looks like some progress is being made in calming Baghdad down. With such a hedgy, wishy-washy conclusion, the spineless Democrats will give Bush another temporary blank check with no timelines-- probably enough funding through January or February '08.

3. Fidel will live past W's presidency. A true testament to the unextinguishable fire in El Comandante's belly. Viva!

4. Chinese stocks crash, economy doesn't. In the next year, at least two of China's major stock exchanges will suddenly (within the span of five days) lose 1/3 of their value. However, despite widespread panic by unsophisticated bandwagon investors/gamblers/speculators, the Chinese economy will keep humming and grow at 7% plus per annum.

5. Chiang Kai-Shek statue stays. Despite much rancor and sabre-rattling on the part of the DPP, the big bronze statue of Chiang sitting in "his" memorial hall will stay. However, the hall's new name-- National Taiwan Democracy Memorial Hall-- will also stay.

6. Jolie will adopt two more. By the end of 2008, Jolie will have adopted two more children. One will be from the poor Northeast region of Brazil. The second will be from a mistreated minority group from somewhere in Eastern Europe.

If Tamerlane is at least 4 for 6, he and his Horde are invading Vegas, baby!

CKY