How to tie a bow tie

I am considering picking up a few bow ties, but I don't know how to tie one.  Anyone out there sport these?  My concerns:

1. I don't want to be known as that "bow tie guy".
2. My bulbous head will stick out even more without the balance of the traditional, long tie.
3. I'm a messy lunch eater and I will be prone to more stains on my dress shirts due to lack of coverage by my long tie/pseudo-napkin.